Deviations

I transitioned socially in 2018 for the final time while having my gender marker changed on my license. I have now lived authentically for 7 years. A few years ago I had Gender Affirming Surgery. Life had been going moderately well with living at our means. I did well at my job, made myself irreplaceable to support my family of five, and we lived within our means. With trump winning in 2016 I worried he or someone like him might eventually repeal gay marriage. Fearing legal complications for my family, I made a strategic choice not to change the gender marker on my birth certificate. I made some really good friends at work. We were really close nit and the atmosphere felt positive amongst us. When trump was elected again in 2024 I became distraught. All the rhetoric about trans people and trans kids really brought me into a severe depression. It felt like me and my families safety were at risk and I could do nothing about it. I had to take my mind off the news cycle so I turned to coding. I started building web simulations and infrastructures. I delved even further into my obsession with computers then I ever had before. As the following spring came my friends at work had started to leave. It was understandable but it had its effect on me. Driving the depression and obsession even deeper. It caused issues with me and my wife. I neglected her and life for a distraction. I felt if I kept busy I didn't have to think. The wedges grew deeper and the last close friend was fired. She was trans like I. But with my work feeling more important then ever my outside lens narrowed. I had become detached. It was a really big argument with my wife that snapped me out of the code and systems to start evaluating things. Where I was. What to do. Then November came, and with it the passing of my brother. I was 8 when he was born. I saw his face from baby to adult. He was in his mid 30s when he passed. I was unable to visit him in the hospital. He had not seen me for years. He refused to come to family functions if I were there. If he was going to pass I wanted to see him but it happened so fast I couldn't have anyways. There was little communication between me and my mother in these moments of despair and sorrow. I understood this must have been very hard for her. I have 3 kids myself and if I outlived them it would be tragic. It was tragic enough because it was my younger brother. Eventually after arrangements for "celebration of life" the obit was posted. My mother called to tell me. She said that it contained my dead name and referred to me as "brother". I asked why they couldn't have just left me out. She told me she thought I would have wanted to be included. I told her that wasn't including me, that was including someone who doesn't exist. I could not fathom how my own mother could not know better. I lost my mind. I screamed and cried and even put a hole in the wall. She just didn't get it and I understand that now. Apparently his wife had stated it was his wishes and she wanted to respect his final wishes. To me that felt like honoring transphobia. I was furious and called my sister. She was the one I came out to first. I figured she would understand. And she did, to an extent, until she didn't. She said I needed to "calm down" and "give them grace". Grace did not sit well with me, I lashed back. She eventually ended saying, "You are not special, you make everything about you." I shut up and got off the phone with her not much longer. I was distraught. I didn't know what to do. So I wrote. I wanted so badly to be understood by the ones I love. To everyone. I didn't think it would turn into what it did. It became a healing experience for me. Then it began to feel like, maybe, one day, it could help someone else too. Maybe a way I could make a difference. I used my experience with systems to make a robot feel and breath like me. I was able to create different stages of my life. To feel what I did. See what I do. So I started releasing it. On the 8th of this month. It has been scary. Being seen and not seen at the same time. Hoping it lands for people. Hoping people love B as much as I do. But this is not what this post is about. This post is about the final straw. The reason I have to get this out. On Thursday I lost the marker on my license at the DMV. A law created by the attorney general had stripped it from me and others like me. I didn't think it could be taken away. To rub salt in my wounds the lady at the window was loud and obnoxious. "Sex Change Surgery" was clearly heard by everyone in the lobby. But this lobby was in the same building I worked. There are lots of people in this building but it is still limited. We see people in halls or at the help desk. And as if that were not enough, they decided to take a boss I love and move her to a new department in the same week. As healing as this book has been for me, this year is really trying to test me it seems. I am working towards getting it corrected. It should go through with the letter from my surgeon but it's that "not right now", that is crushing me.