Deviations

When I first started with my job it was worlds apart from where I am now. It was entry level for the very bottom rung. It was in food service like my other jobs before it but the entity I worked for was vast. This was more of a food factory then a cooking job. There were large scalding kettles filled with liquid nutrients. We would pump whatever batch we had prepared into large plastic bags. Durable but very unappealing. I was months back into the closet. Just trying to get my footing with life amongst new people, newly forged persona for the public. The work though. Took its toll on my body. I was eating frozen pizza once a day and nothing else. I cared little for my appearance. If it was the one I was required to represent to the world it's shape would at least be obscured. Another passing comment in my fathers analysis of my "Trans" condition. And excuse told to me by him that it may be the reason for my weight issues. The analysis was actually factual, even coherent. But his intent was that if I could get over the problem of being trans maybe I could overcome my weight issues. No my issues were not because of being trans, my issues were because I was repressing it. Pushing away a part of myself. They weight could also hide the muscle. A lot of my mass still remain in my thighs, they did even back then. I looked thinner to most that met me. But as pizza and fast food made its work my stomach would start to round even more then in childhood. My arms though. Throwing 13 pound bags a thousand times a day. Made them engorged to a point of dis-satisfaction. I was able to migrate to a different position within "the kitchen" it would be opening hundreds of cans a day but it was solitary. I could listen to music while doing it. There was bickering by old style managers at the time if it was safe to be in the kitchen without being able to hear. I think it was more they wanted to hold on to some ridiculous tradition. I work better with music. I can enter a flow state much easier this way. The talk and chatter of everyone else made it distracting. My adhd liked shiny things. "Oh look, a squirrel". None the less I was able to complete work more efficiently and feel a sense of satisfaction for it. It was not for the establishment, but for myself. Everyone who ate the food hated it. And I could not blame them. It was usually prepared 30 days in advance and sat in cold storage the whole time. If anything it was cruel. To the workers and the eaters. The love and dedication SOME would have for their work would always go unnoticed. I was thankful to have left that job for another within the system of my employment. I had mainly done it because I knew the pay I was getting would not be enough but the stability was hard to leave. If I could move laterally I could still work for the same place. I moved to IT. I have always loved computers. I have been known to say on a few occasions, "I love computers, I can understand them much better then I can any person." And I did. I had toyed with computing since before I knew how to spell. My first were 80 consumer PC's into the 90's. Think IBM, Gateway and even dell in later years. My first games may have been on hand-me down ataris and used Nintendos from the pawn shop my step-father worked at. But my first PC games felt like another thing. Going into dos to run the EXE was like using ancient symbols to decipher secret worlds and adventures. I was maybe 6 or 7 very young. But I digress, I prepared for my IT debut with a measured caution. I lacked certainty in my abilities. So I studied. I found a teacher online, I could learn passively from. I wrote down everything he said in a notebook. Replaying parts just to know I had the exact words. I learn differently. Doing this in a college could be easy for me now. But I am so far beyond what I would want from that it would not even matter at this stage in my life. I got the job. I was stunned, but also what I was walking into was not quite as expected. I would be overseeing systems from decades past one day, and working in a print shop the other. We alternated so the jobs would not get stale. It was okay but my passion was learning the systems not in the printing of boring docs. I did well there. I also made some new friends that were smarter then I had ever met before. Not that all my old friends were dumb. But I was the only one I knew this interested in computers. These new friends could match that and exceed it. I had learned to code a few years before. But only one language and only worked on one script. It was in basic, my first indie game experiment. On the long overnights when systems only hummed and did little processing I learned C++. It felt more professional. More respectable. Not that it really matters in hindsight, but I had loft goals. I liked my job, but the pay was low, and I had 3 little mouths to feed. I assumed if I could not make the next best space opera then I would at least know C++ to get a better job. But the place I worked didn't write much of that code. And the way I learn may not fit well within critical systems. It was at this job I had decided to come back out of the closet. It was very scary to me. That whole time was. But they accepted my request to transition on the job under conditions. I would be "allowed" to transition at work. The person in HR was very nice to me. He retired a few year back, but the Director at the time requested I only use one restroom in the building. A single stalled restroom. I was just glad to be accepted and made no big deal about it. But I couldn't help feel the sting a bit. I knew if I raised a stink I would look like a "special snowflake" making a fuss over nothing. So I hid that disappointment from my superiors. As time moved on in this job so did my coworkers. Even moving up or out. One of my favorite bosses at the time moved into something more fitting for me. It was sad because I had leaned on his knowledge sometimes when I got stuck on a few coding bugs. He usually couldn't help much because he was more into web-dev rather then game-dev, but him being a sounding board was nice. Kinda, like pair programming but one sided and we were stuck together in a box. I eventually applied for another position after moving to days and making a name for myself. The newest boss had even offered a supervisor job due to my abilities and reliability. But I had learned a few jobs back I didn't like that work. It is a profession in it's own right but tends to lean more on the phycological. Those types leave a bitter taste in my mouth. My new job, with my authentic identity, would be where I have ended up to this point. I have many achievements and accolades from this job. I even received a special coin that had only been given to ten or fewer people. The employer having 10's of thousands employees. And yet, I had felt like an imposter, the work had seemed to easy for my level of education. But I was looking at what I was on paper. On a resume. Not at my history. It was obfuscated. I have always been learning and I still do. I even joined the DEI initiative. You know the secret cabal trying to take over the world? Well we didn't win but I was able to suggest a gender neutral bathroom. Being a conservative state I live in there were heated debates about the sign. I was having none of that, all I cared for was that it existed, a place designated for anyone to use, to simply go to if they wanted. No pressure, just relief. We may not have conqured much but I am glad that people have it to use, I sometimes do just because it's isolated and peaceful. I feel bad somewhat. The awards that were given, I didn't fully appreciate at the time. As if I didn't believe in the people that believed in me. Well I hope this testament stands enough for them now. As a penance for my selfishness. I am truly sorry and very grateful that you saw something I couldn't at the time. I don't forget you and I count you among my friends, even if we may not always get along.